A Raven FAC story
Circa 1972, somewhere over the PDJ in Northern Laos
Seems there was this Raven named Steve. Now Steve was a Texas Tech boy -
linebacker type, and no neck. Really. His body went from chin to shoulders -
nothing in between.
Anyway, he is out Ravening one day in his deadly O-1 with his trusty
Hmong interpreter in the back seat when this ground team calls and asks for
help. Seems the guys have gotten themselves in a bit of a scrap and needed a
little airstrike to help out. "No problem," says Steve as Cricket - that
trusty controller in the sky - tells him that a flight of God's finest
Phantom-4s from Ubon Ratchitani are inbound and looking for a target or
tanker. Steve thanks him and hears the bombers - sorry fighters - check in
with a full load of enthusiasm and Mk-82s. Steve gives
them all the briefing stuff and asks what they need. "Just a hold down,"
replies the steely flight lead. Steve admired such spunk and two minutes
later, he looks up and there they are, entering the orbit just above his
position. Great.
Steve rocks his wings and the bombers call tally on him. He checks with
the ground team and things are getting tense and they are really ready for
that airstrike like right NOW.
OK. So Steve rolls in to mark the target. Now he liked to use a real
steep dive for his shot. Made for better accuracy. And this day was no
exception. "Whoooosh," goes the rocket and splashes the enemy location. "Good
mark," call the friendlies.
But as part of his expert rocket technique, Steve also liked to do a
steep recovery to escape the pull of the earth and the enemy gunners. But as
he got the nose up way high, God decided - at the exact moment, - that the
front bolts holding Steve's seat in the aircraft would release. And they did.
Well gravity being what it is, Steve and his seat rotated back until Steve's
head was in the lap of his backseater. To which the surprised Hmong replied,
"Steve, what you do?"
Well unfortunately as Steve rotated into the back seat, he held on to the
only thing that he had a hand on which was the stick. Now the throttle was
full and the airplane was smart and knew that stick back meant go up. So it
did. Except that the O-1 does not have a lot of smash for going up much. Well
aerodynamics being what they are, the airspeed reduced.
Now Steve liked to fly with the windows open. As the airspeed got real
low, all his maps went out the window. That happened just before the airplane
stalled. But all that torque from that full throttle told the nose to go left
and the aircraft started to spin.
The ground team wanted to know what Steve was doing. He didn't answer.
The enemy gunners all thought that it was real neat and they celebrated with
lots of groundfire.
But Steve was cool. He grabbed holt of one of the side braces and got
the seat back forward. Then he did some real neat pilot stuff and got his
machine flying again - the guy puking in the back seat didn't faze him at all.
Then he decided to take a few minutes to climb back to altitude because he
knew that the most important thing for a FAC to do was to sound good on the
radio and a few minutes might settle the voice.
Well, back to the airstrike. Steve checked with the ground team and yes,
they were ready. He checked with the fighters and yes they were ready too.
Just to be on the safe side, Steve asked them if they still had the target. Oh
yes they replied. So Steve cleared them in hot.
But instead of rolling in, the flight lead asked for another mark. Steve
was confused and asked what the problem was. "No problem the leader replied,
"We've got you and we've got the target, we would just like to see that rocket
pass again."
True story.
Even copyrighted.
Darrel Whitcomb
Nail/Raven 25
PRICELESS
Here's one I hope you like. Feel free to forward. This was sent by a friend
who noted that a group of Syrians decided to hold an anti-American rally. Since
they couldn't read and write English for their protest signs, they found an
English-speaker to "translate" their anti-American slogans for them. They
apparently made the mistake of asking the wrong guy to help them and he took
matters into his own hands.
From Larry Ratts:
Dear fellow Ravens and
friends,
After 30 and more years of hiding what many of you will consider to be a dark,
shameful secret, it is finally time that I out myself. I have been hesitant to
admit to this openly in the past and, in fact, took special measures to maintain
this secret from the Ravens and even more so from the USAF during my active duty
years. I did not want to bring what I knew would be certain scandal and, at
that time, disgrace, to our organization. This hidden part of my life was known
to only one other Raven, and I apologize to him for any discomfort this may
cause him if he is identified. I lay this burden of my past before the Ravens
with the knowledge that the consequences of this revelation may jeopardize
permanently my status within the organization. But today, after viewing the
"fun/junk" page at our Raven web site, I feel compelled to openly admit that,
"WHILE A COVEY OR RAVEN FAC I NEVER EVEN ONCE STOLE A JEEP."
Raven 41
T.H.E. (The Hamburger Extraordinaire) RAVEN
As Seen by 7/13th AF: A drunken, brawling, jeep-stealing, woman-corrupting liar with a Gold Rolex, a Gold I.D. Bracelet, and a Browning 9 Mike-Mike Pistol.
As Seen by Himself: A tall, handsome, idol of women; A highly trained, professional killer with a gold I.D. Bracelet and Browning 9 mike-mike pistol who is always on time due to the accuracy of his gold Rolex.
As seen by his Commander: An indispensable specimen of a drunken, brawling, jeep-stealing, woman-corrupting liar with a Gold I.D. bracelet, Gold Rolex, and a Browning 9 mike-mike pistol.
As Seen by his Women: A stinking member of the human race who staggers into town every year or so in dirty Levis and scuffed cowboy boots, with whiskey on his breath and fornication on his mind.
As seen by the Department of Defense: An over-paid, over-ranked tax burden who is indispensable because he will go anywhere and do anything so long as he can booze it up, steal jeeps, lie, brawl and corrupt women, wearing dirty Levis, scuffed cowboy boots, a Gold I.D. Bracelet, Gold Rolex, and a Browning 9 mike-mike pistol.
Subject:
How the Internet Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called
Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short a camel
load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will
place drums in
all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for
sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale
can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But
this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia
did secret himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did
take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites,
or NERDS
for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum
company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work
only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to
be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name
that reflects what we are," and Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO",
said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all...
By now I expect most of you have seen the remarkable
photo taken of a
Navy F-18 just at the instant it broke the sound barrier. But as
any
student of aviation history will tell you, just about anything that's
ever
been done by a Navy jock has been done
previously (and better) by a Raven.
In looking through some old photos I came across the attached, and
since
many years have passed and much of Project 404 is no longer classified, I
can now tell the true story of William (Billy) Buzzard and the amazing
supersonic Bird Dog.
In May of 1969, Buzzard decided that the tech order
limiting airspeed
for the 0-1 was somewhat conservative, and set about proving this notion
by
mixing a fuel that was roughly equal parts 115/145 avgas, lau-lau and
some
hot sauce he got from a Hmong woman in Longtienne. I think he threw
in a
handful of mothballs, too. At 0745 on the morning of May 13th, he
took off
from Longtienne and headed toward the Plain of Jars. I was flying
on his
wing, mostly in a spirit of idle curiosity but also to spot the wreckage.
Buzzard climbed to 10,000 feet, opened the throttle and shoved the nose
down. I was at 2000 feet, and as he passed me on his way to
aviation
history I caught the photo with my trusty Pentax. Not only had
Billy
Buzzard broken the sound barrier in a Bird Dog, he had done it with the
cockpit windows open: surely a record that would top just about
anything!
Alas, Billy Buzzard's record was never recorded.
Elated by his success,
he headed for Vientiane where
he landed, stole a jeep and drove to Ecole
d'Lulu where he engaged a "student" from the Ecole for another
record
attempt. He took off from Vientiane
with the "student" in the back seat,
vowing that he would be the first Raven to get a supersonic air
start. I was
unable to keep up with him as he crossed Ritaville Ridge at approximately
300 knots, and he was never seen again. Perhaps the air start
procedure
(dicey at best in a tandem-seat aircraft) distracted Buzzard at a
critical
moment, or maybe he was hit by a missile fired by some jealous F4 jock
from
the Triple Nickel (a gun kill by a 555th pilot being most
unlikely). Who
knows? I like to think that he headed out across the Pacific until
he found
a tropical paradise and is still living there today, older but no wiser
at
all than he was in 1969. In any event, I often think of Billy
Buzzard and
his supersonic Bird Dog, and I'm sure glad I found the photo that proves
the
truth of this story. Not that a Raven would ever lie...
Mike Byers
Raven Glass Studio
corvos@ravenglass.org
http://www.ravenglass.org
The Buffalo Theory.........
You may have read or heard this wisdom before, but I have not seen anyone explain it as well as Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: "Well, ya' see, Normy, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. "That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Something for the BS column of the website:
LETTER FROM GRANDMA
Got a letter from Grandma the other day.
She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honkifyou love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy thatday
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followedby
a
thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my
bumper.Boy,I'm glad I did! What an uplifting
experience that followed!I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughtabout
the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if hehadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!Why,
while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD!GO!
GO!
Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started wavingand
smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few timesto
share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida backthere
because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I sawanother
guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in theair.
Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,he
said
that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well,I've
never met anyone from Hawaii, so
I leaned out the window and gave himthe
good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even hewas
enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people wereso caught
up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me--bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to allmy
sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I
noticed I as the only car that got through the intersection beforethe
light
changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them afterall the
love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the windowand
gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time s I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hugs and kisses. H. Raven 26 [aka raven26h]
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to thegreen.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.9
Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to take the frogs advice, puts theclub away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a luckyfrog, eh?"
The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to takethe frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in hislife and asks the frog, "OK where to
next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las
Vegas." They go to Las Vegasand
the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you thinkI should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deservesit.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. Sohelp me
God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
The following article was submitted by Ed Gunter, who thinks this isall true..
He reads all of the tabloids and saves them for his quips at the RavenReunions..
WASHINGTON, DC
-- On Tuesday, the President signed the Americans WithNo
Abilities Act (AWNAA), sweeping new legislation that providesbenefits
and protection for more than 135 million talentless
Americans.
The act, signed into law by mr. clinton
shortly after its passage,is being hailed as a major
victory for the millions upon millions of U.S.citizens
who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans, throughno fault of their own, do not possess the talent
necessary to carve outa meaningful role for
themselves in society," said clinton, a longtimeAWNAA supporter. "Their lives are futile
hamster wheel existencesof unrewarding, dead-end
busywork: xeroxing documents written by others,
fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens,and
processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these
millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream ofworking hard and moving up through the ranks is simply
not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act,more than 25 million important sounding "middle
man" positions will becreated in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing themwith an illusory sense of purpose and ability.
Mandatory, non-performance-basedraises and promotions
will also be offered to create a sense of upwardmobility
for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives
to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks forthose who hire one non-germane worker for every two
talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No AbilitiesAct also contains tough new measures to prevent
discrimination againstthe nonabled
by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interviewquestions
as, "What can you bring to this
organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would makeyou an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person,
I frequently find myselfunable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," saidMary
Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential
filing clerk ata Minneapolis tile wholesaler last
month because of her lack of notableskills.
"This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With NoAbilities Act, Gertz and
millions of other untalented, unessentialcitizens
can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton:
"It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each
and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to takeup
in this great nation."